Friday I was ill and missed what was an epic dungeon party by all accounts. However, I was too busy being an angsty teenager so even if not ill, I had decided I wasn’t going! I was still stropping about The Mistress and still am really, however I need to stop that don’t I?
Saturday the young Mistress came for me and after people had left her house she took me to bed before the party we were going to. She fucked me keeping me on the edge of orgasming for hours. (I wouldn’t be so silly to try the same thing with her, and besides which I love to hear her say my name as I make her come again and again.) I didn’t even think to ask to come until I was about insane! She thought it was hilarious that I hadn’t!
Then I thought that I wasn’t going to be able to, which is often a side effect of me edging! She promised me we wouldn’t be leaving until I did! And I did! Ha ha!
The party at The Girl’s for her girls 21st was great fun, I behaved for once and didn’t even drink all the wine I took! The Girl confuses me though! I watch her watching me and I can’t figure her out. I want a proper relationship with her but I think it’s too late now. She has 4 people in her life already and I don’t think she has any room for me now. It was never just about sex with her, I thought she was different than that, but it looks like a relationship she has just started is very much of that substance. Maybe that’s just sour grapes on my part, but that’s what it looks like to me. I suppose whatever will be will be, I’m fed up fighting for everything I want. She knows where I am. When it was time to go the young Mistress asked me where she was taking me and I said her house. Needless to say we had a good night again and I wakened in her arms in the morning.
Sunday was amazing! She took me to my happy place! Several times!
I love to be choked and as she put her hand around my throat I knew she was going to send me soaring to that place I have been just twice in nearly 30 years. And the last 2 times I had to be beaten senseless to go there. I don’t remember much, I never do. But I do remember that feeling as my eyes begin to roll and my breathing slows and I relax and trust that I’m not going to die. I felt her touch me and everything felt so good and I floated, eventually coming back slowly to see her watching my eyes. Everything tingling and feeling so good.
It’s like the best drug ever and I don’t mean breath play, I mean sub space. Although breath play is the quickest way to get me there. I do love to be beaten there too. I wish she could have beaten me yesterday, but I have offered my ass to another for a caning that I want. I’m making out I don’t, but I do! I want to be beaten by someone who doesn’t care for me. To be beaten like I deserve for all my behaviour recently which has been appalling.
But here’s one thing, I may still have the Mistress in my head, but when I come home I am almost certainly coming home to belong to the young Mistress and all that entails.
And here is one thing I deliberately didn’t put in before she read this (I let her read it before I posted it you see)! I love her! I love her so much! My heart aches because I love her so much! It’s why I hesitate to belong to her! I don’t know when this happened, probably the moment we met as we have been avoiding one another ever since! But it scares me! I can be in serious trouble with her! She just has to put me on my knees and I might never get up again. I swore I wouldn’t love anyone I belonged to again. Not after my first and only! Not after she left me like she did, alone and lost and unable to function on my own.
Yet here I m struggling to not say it, to not love and to not be owned.