So I did something yesterday akin to pressing that red button that would set off a nuclear strike! Yes I know self destruct here I come!
There is a young woman who I have been avoiding who is a switch, I’ve been avoiding her because I like her, way too much from the minute our eyes met. Anyway I love her and she loves me whatever that may mean, and it all came out a few days ago. I had never thought of her other than as a lover though.
The Mistress was still mad at me about my stupid stupid email and has hardly been in touch and even ignored my reply to her email saying I was sick. Anyway the young one wants me to be hers and I of course told her that I want to belong to the Mistress. I was done following my heart and wanted to follow my head where She sits!
So I’ve been confused and crying and all over the place as per normal for me. Even though I do not cry!!!! No not me!
So it all boiled up yesterday and I sent The Mistress an email asking Her what She thought about a Mistress and a slave who was nearly 20 years older. I could tell straight away She was not happy as She replied straight away and She never does that after all why would She?! It wouldn’t be a head fuck then would it? I asked Her if She was ever going to want me and there was someone who wanted me with all her being and why should she wait needlessly if she didn’t have to!
So She thinks I have had someone sitting on the sides, I haven’t! All this time I’ve had no sex and behaved because I wanted to stay pure for Her! I wanted Her and no one else and told Her every day. It made no odds, yet I could’ve made Her life easier in some way surely? I got nothing from Her, yet I would’ve given Her the world. And I still feel that way stupidly! But it wasn’t enough for Her.
So She told me never to contact Her again, which of course I did. Retorting I would belong to the other and I wouldn’t be in touch. It was just a stupid retort though, I wont belong to the young one, because at the moment She is still in my head and most likely also in my heart too. So the young one. I love her. I love her so much it hurts. She asked me about loving The Mistress and I lied and said I didn’t. But I think I do, I think that’s why I haven’t been able to let go and still can’t. I sent Her a huge email which She will likely delete without reading and told Her all of this.
So I love them both! But the young one loves me back and is at least speaking to me until she perhaps reads this! (I do love you, I’m sorry I’m a fuckhead and a shithead, I still don’t know and I don’t know when I will know!) So I pushed the Mistress’ hand and it slapped me back down! Karmic! Yes! Deserving? Yes! Do I still want to be on my knees in front of Her? FUCKING YES! And now I’m no longer pure! But that I’m happy about! That was wonderful and I have the bite marks to prove it!
So here is the question! How the fuck did I end up so fucked up? Why do I press that button of self destruct and force the issue every time. Why when I am already in that hole do I just keep digging? And why on top of all of this shit do I want to take The Girl to my bed?
/sigh. Of course I am still talking to you.
Stop making things so hard for yourself. Accept that “The Mistress” is gone, she was not truly ever there to begin with… We are all good with pretty little words.
Bed “The Girl” you want to, she wants to – what is the problem? You are both adults even when you choose not to act like one..
Stop being a stubborn shithead. The woman in your head is gone, do what your heart desires allow yourself time to have fun, heal, enjoy life do stupid things and laugh about them with friends and loved ones.
Stop trying to force what it is you think you want and let the things you need take over for a while.
I HATE that you are so much more sensible than I am! I need to be and can’t seem to get my teenage head sorted out! I let Her in so easily to play with it and now she’s made it worse.
You are of course so right, She never ever wanted me, dropping me so easily more than once and despite telling me things She hasn’t anyone else, Her actions spoke louder than Her words to quote Her recent words to me.
I don’t deserve you I do know that! Your understanding and patience is quite something else! I love you and I am grateful for having you in my life xXx
You can spend time hating it or you could simply embrace it.
And yes of course I am right, a blind person could have seen your devotion to her and her lack reciprocation. Now its time to pick yourself back up and move forward. If its a hard day stay where you are, do not allow yourself to go backwards. Staying still for a moment to catch your breath is better than looking back and letting yourself stumble or fall.
No you probably don’t deserve me, but lucky for you it is not about what you deserve.
You make me laugh!
I am mad about Her! She didn’t ever see it! Yet everyone else could, She never took the time to and I know She has other things but She never ever really saw me! That probably hurts more than anything else that has happened!
I know I have to move on but for now I will stand right here and let my heart break.
I don’t deserve you at all, and I’m mad about you too for the record!
Sometimes when things are finally over.. it is a blessing in disquise. I am sorry for all the heart ache you’ve been through.. but, don’t you want someone who really wants you? Who loves you as much as you do them? Who is willing to give you what you need.. as well as take what you have to give?
I wish you much luck and happiness in your new path!
I know, I just wish it were different despite the reality of it