I’ve been looking forward to today all week! Is been a terrible week at work and I was meant to be going to a fetish club for the first time, and with The Mistress.
But guess what? Yes She looks like She is about to cancel on me again. She was off earlier in the week unwell and still feels in pain. She said She would still come for dinner, but insists I still go! An email this morning said if I don’t go She won’t come for dinner!
I have told Her that it is Her decision as I do not want to spoil my friends’ evenings. Which of course I will if I go out! I am miserable! All I would think about is being with Her if I went and I do not want to spoil everyone’s evenings with me sitting there with my face tripping me!
I am terrible at hiding my emotions! It is always very clear from my face how I feel! My housemate didn’t know what to say to me last night, she could see how upset I was, that something I had so looked forward to was not happening. I’m not sure I can be friends with The Mistress. I get so disappointed if a friend lets me down but this is devastating with Her! There is no getting away from the fact that I want to belong to Her! It’s consuming me every minute of every day!
I know She says She is in pain, but She has never managed to see me yet without canceling or rearranging. These changes hurt me, regardless of how they are happening I take them very personally. So, this failing in me probably means I am not going to cope as Her friend.
I know I can’t keep feeling like this about a friend and I know I desperately need someone to submit to, if it’s not going to be Her I probably need to find someone else don’t I? I know this to be true, so why is it so hard to do it and break away from Her? Regardless of what is going on in Her life, She doesn’t want me, I should just accept it!
If She wanted me She wouldn’t risk losing me, would She?
Post note: She is coming! I couldn’t be happier that she feels well enough to attempt it!! Not totally selfish but quite a bit! I get to spend time with Her!!! I want to be at Her feet, I have to set a time limit on myself, don’t I? She doesn’t want me to wait, I understand but I want to worship and adore Her, I can’t help it with Her in my head! Time! I never was patient!