I’ve been looking forward to today all week! Is been a terrible week at work and I was meant to be going to a fetish club for the first time, and with The Mistress.
But guess what? Yes She looks like She is about to cancel on me again. She was off earlier in the week unwell and still feels in pain. She said She would still come for dinner, but insists I still go! An email this morning said if I don’t go She won’t come for dinner!
I have told Her that it is Her decision as I do not want to spoil my friends’ evenings. Which of course I will if I go out! I am miserable! All I would think about is being with Her if I went and I do not want to spoil everyone’s evenings with me sitting there with my face tripping me!
I am terrible at hiding my emotions! It is always very clear from my face how I feel! My housemate didn’t know what to say to me last night, she could see how upset I was, that something I had so looked forward to was not happening. I’m not sure I can be friends with The Mistress. I get so disappointed if a friend lets me down but this is devastating with Her! There is no getting away from the fact that I want to belong to Her! It’s consuming me every minute of every day!
I know She says She is in pain, but She has never managed to see me yet without canceling or rearranging. These changes hurt me, regardless of how they are happening I take them very personally. So, this failing in me probably means I am not going to cope as Her friend.
I know I can’t keep feeling like this about a friend and I know I desperately need someone to submit to, if it’s not going to be Her I probably need to find someone else don’t I? I know this to be true, so why is it so hard to do it and break away from Her? Regardless of what is going on in Her life, She doesn’t want me, I should just accept it!
If She wanted me She wouldn’t risk losing me, would She?
Post note: She is coming! I couldn’t be happier that she feels well enough to attempt it!! Not totally selfish but quite a bit! I get to spend time with Her!!! I want to be at Her feet, I have to set a time limit on myself, don’t I? She doesn’t want me to wait, I understand but I want to worship and adore Her, I can’t help it with Her in my head! Time! I never was patient!
I’ve said this before in private so I’m going to just remind you of this, D.
Pinning your happiness on a person isn’t healthy. You need to find a way to a happy, content life that isn’t dependent on a single person. As a submissive, it never feels good when it’s you that’s chasing the Dominant. And that certainly sounds like what’s happening here.
In light of that I don’t think you should pin your hopes on *anyone*. Find a way to do things you like to do and with people who enjoy you for who you are. Find a way to be comfortable in your skin. Learn to enjoy the silence and the noise and everything in between. Running headlong from one woman to the next is just begging for one heartache after another.
I’ve watched your tweets and purposefully avoided learning the reasons behind them because I didn’t want to know that you were doing just this. Respect yourself. Like yourself. Treat yourself with the sort of dignity you wish from a Dominant. If you think of yourself as a kicked dog and a doormat you’re going to be treated as such. And if someone disrespects you and doesn’t hold up their end of the bargain then walk away.
Being alone and being lonely are two entirely different things. The lonely submissive is the one who throws his or herself at the feet of the first Dom/me that even casts a glance and that’s not a good thing.
Raise your standards.
Be the submissive that a Dominant wants to bend, not the one that’s bent and broken already.
I know! Thanks for the reminder, I shouldn’t have needed it! Everything you say is so right! I just forget it sometimes.
Dx
Such a wonderfully worded piece of advice above from Aisling.
I hope that you heed it!!!
Love and hugs
~Mia~ xx
I agree with you and I will. I sent The Mistress an email yesterday saying I can’t be there for Her as a friend only. I’ve given Her how long I will be available for Her to come back to me and said goodbye.
I’ve told Her not to watch as I’m now gonna have fun. I was doing fine on ‘me’ until She came along so need to get that back again!
Phoenix