So I went out for dinner tonight unexpectedly. She hadn’t been able to make it and then came anyway despite being in pain, I’ve been a nervous wreck all day since she sent me a text, which I missed as I was in the living room blogging! She was lovely by the way (The Mistress)!
I of course, did my bloody usual and retreated inside! Every time I tried to answer any of her questions I would see her looking at me then I would clam up again! Sheesh, I’m just hopeless when I find myself with a Dom/me. She is too, every bit, and not just the effect she had on me, there is something special there that few have, in fact I have not come across many since coming out on the scene, maybe 3 or 4.
She has made me rethink how I’ve been behaving recently and whether it’s actually the right thing for me. I really like her, and I liked the way she made me think. I’ve probably been needing to think for a while if I am honest. I have been avoiding searching deeper than the surface for a while as I really didn’t want to. So I don’t know what I want! But I do know that I want more than play and playing is making me feel worse about not having what I need, even though I don’t know what I need.
My mood plummeted the last time I played and I knew it was never going to be enough and that bloody itch was not going away, like I thought it would if I played. If you read my blog from the day after the second time, you will know that I realised then that play wasn’t the way I was going to scratch this itch. So here is my attempt at putting into words what I need!!!
I need a Mistress who will play in my head as much as she plays with my body. It’s not a want, it’s a basic need, and she’s right I shouldn’t settle. She whoever she is, has to be kind, but firm and able to deal with my shenanigans when I feel crazy. There has to be more though, there has to be the romance too! I wish I could separate it but I can’t so there has to be the love side of it too. I need someone to sort out the chaos that my head is most days and touch me there inside my head again like so few have in the past. I need the play too and not just the mind fuck. I love pain and orgasm from it sometimes so it will be a huge factor to me, and also I need the fucking too, to me that has to be there, it’s on a deeper level with me and so I need the fucking too. Other than that, I have no idea! Although eyes are a huge thing for me so I suppose she has to have eyes that I can sink into. I don’t have any hard and fast ideals that I have been searching for, just someone who is capable of playing in my head. And in return, well I will worship and adore her.
I like her, I like her a lot, I wasn’t wrong about her, I’m glad about that!
And so I need to sleep! But before I do – I bought a corset and as the first person to buy one it gets named after me. I asked them to call it Phoenix rather than my name – it suits it better!
You can find it here I think it’s so very cool that I have a corset named after me!!
P.S. did I say I really liked The Mistress? And having thought about this overnight maybe I should stop sweating the other things I thought I wanted outside of a M/s relationship! When someone is in my head I doubt I’ll have much room for anything else???