It’s Saturday morning, I was stone cold sober last night. I drank coke as I had a few drinks at the club before heading home to get ready to go to the dungeon. I feel so sad today. I ache to the point that my eyes are full of tears. How can that be? I was brought to my knees again last night, granted I do not have the bruises that I did the last time, but I still was brought to that point screaming out of the depths where my mind had gone.
I can’t bear it! I feel like I might go mad! My friend sent me a message last night saying he missed me on twitter. I can’t come back right now I’m too far away from that person who I was becoming, you know, the real me?!
I’m crying now, I never cry I very rarely even do this when alone which thankfully I am right now. I’ve only cried twice in the last 6 months like this! I’m a mess! The last time was in my room not long after me and my ex split and the time before was with my friend, who I am living with in her car telling her I didn’t know what to do as I didn’t love my ex anymore. Each time it’s been pure desperation.
I’m desperate today, I don’t know how to deal with this. And fuck my arse hurts! More than it did the last time! What do I do when I can’t scratch the itch? I watched a Mistress dominating her husband last night and as I sat there I got wet as did the girl. Fuck if she’d looked around at me at that point I would’ve dropped to my knees. The girl was lucky enough to be spanked by her later and that was something that had my tongue hanging out until she looked across at me, when my eyes dropped to the floor. I can’t even look at anyone showing the slightest bit of dominance these days.
I still don’t know when she’s coming! I am desperate to hear her voice but scared to call in case I break down on the phone or become unable to even speak. I hurt for her.
To complicate things, I really like the girl. She kissed me in the car last night! That’s a biggie! A huge biggie for her which I won’t go into! We held hands and all I wanted to do was take her in my arms and hold her all night. I wasn’t prepared for this, I’m just out of a long relationship. She’s not a one night thing, she’s way more than that. Shit! Life just threw me a huge curve ball! I’d switch for her too! I so wasn’t prepared for her.
So, I’m in a bit of a mess really. An itch I can’t scratch, no Mistress, no one considering me and I’m falling for a girl who’s bringing out switchy me! Oh yeah and I’m crying! Fuck!