So today is Sunday and although happy I could cry! That itch? It’s back and like nothing I have felt before. I keep trying to remember the feelings I had at the dungeon, and everything yesterday despite how tired I was having been up all night. I am struggling though today, today I want to be held and still I do not have that person. The play on Friday if anything has made it worse. I need more than that, apart from her there is still no one I want to belong to. I had hoped that the itch would be gone for at least a couple of days and its so disappointing that it isn’t.
I don’t even know why I am writing this as it is just making things worse. I have several things I should be doing and I am lying here on my bed writing this instead. I have an article to write for Submissive Guide if I want to be a permanent writer but I can’t seem to just get going with it. I also wanted to write something for the Best Lesbian Erotica for next year and I still haven’t sat down either. I am running out of time for them both and I also need to pack! Maybe I just need to give myself a kick up the arse although I am not sure I would like that much right now as I am a bit tender.
A woman is considering me right now and we are to meet this week hopefully. I want to be Hers though and meeting this woman is going to emphasize that even more to me I am sure. I told the woman all about Her and she thanked me for my honesty. However this woman did question me seeking submissive release at the dungeon when I am in discussions with her and wondering what I am actually looking for! Sigh, I’m not very good at this am I?! And online, well my Kitty has had issues recently so we have barely spoken much. I miss her, not seeing her tweets coming up my TL is horrible and I miss our chats even more. And I have had someone approach me as a domme – she already has a Mistress so not sure why she feels the need to play online. But for the moment, I am chatting and we will see. I am not so sure I want to indulge that side of me just now the way I feel but there is something about her makes me want to!?
My bloke, well he is sending texts and messaging me and being very dominant. We have not had the chance to meet up again though and I’m glad to be honest. I think I may be just attracted to the dominance he displays rather than him. Meanwhile I am taking another lovely lady out for lunch tomorrow. I am in a confused stated right now with all of this I think I need to clear out my life and some people are making that easy for me with their behaviour. My life is very complicated on and off line and I think without a Mistress my whole life feels like it’s pure chaos. I need and yes it’s a need not a want, a Mistress, I need Her.
She is coming here soon, at the end of the month and I get dinner with Her and a whole day! A whole day seems amazing to me and I can’t wait. I have bought gifts for Her and am holding off as long as possible for another that She knows about as well as laptop I have that I am working on for Her that has been kicking about my house for a while. She opens a million windows on a 1GB notebook then wonders why it’s all slow, this one won’t be so slow for her – all for total selfish reasons of course! It means I get to stay in touch with her more easily. Anyway I get to spend time with Her which will either kill me or cure me. I worry that once I start spending time with Her that it will get worse and that I wont be able to cope not being Hers. She is wonderful you know! The most wonderful person I have ever had in my life. Yeah I know I’m mad, I won’t meet Her until the end of the month, I only know the things She tells me. But, I know how I feel and I don’t feel these things easily so I am not going to ignore or deny it.
I’ve struggled for months now with the depths of what I feel and I don’t care anymore She makes me happy, I want to belong to Her, yes I wont meet Her until the end of this month, but I know how I feel and it doesn’t matter that we haven’t met yet. Other people can and do meet online and go on to fulfilling relationships. I am no longer going to dismiss myself as stupid that I feel this way. If I never belong to Her, then so be it but I can’t deny what I feel for Her.