I was really down this morning! You can always tell, I blog more than once a day! I got to work and wanted to turn around, but I have nowhere to go to. Home doesn’t feel like home and I can’t wander all day like I could in Scotland, it’s too big a place here. So I came in and out some toast on for myself and stared down at the ring.
I’ve been putting off taking it off until I move out as I have the packing which won’t take long really. I don’t want the fight that I know will ensue with her. I haven’t written about her in a long while now deliberately. Things are rotten, she will barely even speak to me. I hate being there and hide in my room all the time never coming out except to get food, wash and leave the house. I try and chat you know and keep things civil, asking about her parents arriving this week. I get nods and scowls and the occasional grunts.
So as I stared at the ring I found my other hand reaching over and taking it off and putting it on my right hand, just for want of a better place to put it having no pockets. Instantly I felt relief, calm and my mood lifting. Who knew a heavy piece of platinum could weigh so much on more than just your finger?
So it’s staying off! I have enough problems without worrying about her feelings now. She doesn’t care, she never did. I was speaking to my friend A in the UK last night and it reminded me that she never has. I’ve spent 13 years running about after her with nothing ever back, not even concern. I’ve had to get cabs when she could’ve picked me up, I’ve written her miles of letters, cards and poems. I have a small tin, she has a suitcase full after weeding out the best ones.
How could I have spent so long of my life with someone who couldn’t even really be bothered to care? People in my life now show more concern for me than she ever has in all this time. So, I start packing tonight and stop worrying about her feelings!! My books first and then films and music etc and then an argument will no doubt ensue about the little things I do want like picture frames and nick nacks! I’m taking two things and credit card debt, yet she has already said I’m leaving her in the lurch!
I can’t win so I’m no longer going to try to. I need to sort me out and my confusion. Am I just craving the attention and because he is showing me the right attention I respond? I hope so, I need to talk about this and I will and with the one person I need to. As ever she’s there just like she said she would be. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve her in my life but she makes me glad when I hear her voice, and maybe she can help me figure this one out?