It started at 1pm the party, just 4 of us and my voice coming and going. Despite everything we were having a laugh. I can’t even say what started it or what was even said, I wasn’t even drunk, but it’s all a blur now.
Suddenly I was sitting on my own in the garden smoking after more than 10 years. She was crying and in someone else’s bed, then I was watching Fright Night while standing alone waiting for a taxi. All the while receiving texts to ‘please go’.
I eventually did and came home and sobbed for hours curled up in as small a ball as I could get. Then I lay all night listening to my heart beating and wondering if this was the rest of my life, all alone. Boxing day 5 years and 1 day after she asked me to marry her we were both very broken. She came home and then began the onslaught. What had she done, what was going to happen next, what a waste….
I sat and said not very much, I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep and couldn’t. I nodded off a few times until she lay on the opposite couch and lay staring at me! I get it I really do, I’ve hurt her, but where has she been when it’s been so bad I’ve been crying on buses. She cried and sobbed and then sobbed a lot more all day. Even in the bedroom I could hear her, it was heart wrenching and I can’t do it again today.
I’m in one of the spare rooms now and hear her up with the kettle on, she was meant to go back to work today and hasn’t! I can’t heal her pain and make it all better I don’t love her anymore. I need other things as does she. I need a Mistress, she needs a lover, neither of us fit each other any more. How sad is that?!
And now? Now she is texting me saying she would be better off dead! How do I deal with that, how do I deal with all her anger. She thinks I’ve stolen everything from her.